Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

Q: What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

Q: What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they’ve been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: Both are fucking bad singers!!!

Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s Alex Ferguson.

Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What’s the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick.

Q: Why can’t you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.